Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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