Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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