OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
pop tarts are not kleenex
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
