ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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