my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
