i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
