Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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