Tell her she can't have a vagina
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
