the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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