if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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