New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
