I met the friendliest cop last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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