I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
