maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
