I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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