Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
