How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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