i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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