she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
