I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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