people are starting to question the shark bite story
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
