I skipped work to stalk him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
