I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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