The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
