Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
