I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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