What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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