I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
