And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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