Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
