this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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