when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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