Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I look better un-naked...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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