Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
