I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
