6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
