My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
