it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
