I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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