i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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