Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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