I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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