I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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