Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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