I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
