Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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