In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
