Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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