When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
