I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
