My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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