i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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