Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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