she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
