My first STD was from a foam party
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
