Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
