just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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