Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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