Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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