dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
