So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
