I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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