yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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